I hate the word 'ally'

I hate the word ‘ally’. I hate it despite having used it. I hate it despite beaming with pleasure on the occasions a friend has used it to describe me. I hate it despite finding it funny to respond with “wow, you’re such an ally” when a male friend says something like “we had sex, even though she was on her period”.

There’s a lot to hate about the word, not least the hubris it involves to describe yourself as one. Imagine the word ‘ally’ used in any historical context in the way we use it now. It’s bizarre. Imagine someone using it in pre-Civil War America, as they loudly and fastidiously refuse to buy Carolina cotton. “Why don’t you know, Beatrice? I’m an ally.” Imagine a Big House Brit in Famine-era Ireland chucking their table scraps over the estate wall, vaguely conscious that some starving Catholics will fight to the death for it. “Edward, we’re allies now.”

For the uninitiated, the word ‘ally’ has been remodelled over the last few years by a well-meaning corner of the lefty internet in order to describe people – usually white cis people – who are sympathetic, and in many cases, passionately defensive of the rights of an oppressed group. Let me clear: the tenets that we understand to be ‘an ally’ are desperately important. It’s important to listen, educate, engage and fight on behalf of people who are suffering. It’s the most basic function of humanity. In the words of Dr Dreyfuss in The Apartment: “Be a mensch. You know what that means? A human being.”

The problem with the word ally is that it’s typically used as a military term. When we think “ally” we think World War 2. We think America and the British Commonwealth allied against the Axis – Germany, Japan and Italy. I’m not a historian, but it’s my understanding that when you become allied with one party (let’s say, America) against another (let’s say, Russia), you forego your right to fuck with Russia. You don’t hang out with Russia, you don’t get beers with Russia, you don’t invite Russia to a straightforward shooting weekend. You don’t benefit from Russia bringing a tray of Ferrero Rocher round. You don’t make polite chit-chat with it at the Christmas party.

The thing about the use of the word ‘ally’ in a modern social context is that it’s almost impossible to recreate these same parameters. If you’re white and cis and middle-class (which, in my experience, are the people who are most invested in being an ally, and with good reason!) it’s pretty much impossible for you to give up those benefits. You will always get things. However that privilege manifests itself – whether it’s not being frisked for knives on your way to the shops, or simply being served quicker in a bar – it’s impossible to separate yourself from the society that is built to benefit you.

So that’s one reason the word ally feels a little bogus in its modern context, and sure, maybe its a pedantic one. But I’m also concerned about the idea of ‘ally’ as almost being a title, like a knighthood from the internet. It’s a thing given to you as a reward for being good, strong and helpful. You did the good thing, you will hereafter be known as ally. It becomes a thing you can mount on your wall, and point to whenever your credentials are being questioned. “Oh haven’t you seen my plaque? I’m an ally, sweetie.” You do this enough times and eventually the villagers come, they burn the house down, and they take the plaque away. You wonder how you fucked it up so badly, then decide that no, it is the children who are wrong.

With that in mind, I suggest we retire ‘ally’ in favour of something simpler. Decency. Decency is a quality, not a title. Decency isn’t something you achieve; it’s a lifelong project. You wake up every day and you try to be decent, and some days you fail, and so you wake up the next day and you try to be decent again. Decency allows room to get things wrong, but it also offers a form of moral discipline that can’t be wormed into or talked out of. Decency asks for empathy and bravery. It relies on decent acts, not decent thoughts. It doesn’t weaponise itself, and it doesn’t have quite so much to do with war.

In the words of Dr. Dreyfuss – and yes, I did just watch The Apartment for the first time, and yes, it is the most perfect movie, you were right, Dad – decency means being a human being.