Potential Plot Lines for Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn's 1995 movie "The Coat"

a "we have a lot of fun, don't we?" update

Me and Gavin have a lot of fun seeing movies together but we have a lot more fun not seeing them. I am sure Netflix have a marketing term for people like us. The Indecisive Elder Millennials: the people who want to watch a movie, in theory, but are exhausted by the concept of trying, so instead just flick aimlessly through various streaming services while quietly chatting about which A-list actors are squandering their potential on what we deem to be lesser projects.

Every now and then, of course, one of us will see a movie we like, or think we’d like, or, worst of all, have read a lot about. “This is supposed to be good…” we will say, trying not to sound too hopeful, lest we repel the other person completely. . The other person will respond with “sure, let’s put it on the maybe list”.

I don’t know why this ballet has to be so ornate.

After another 45 minutes of scrolling, we will return to said ‘maybe list’ which will consist of three films. These will be:

1) A film I want

2) A film he wants

3) The Mummy

The film Gavin wants will either be an 80s action movie, a 70s arthouse movie, or something about space.

And the film I want will be The Coat.

The Coat is a 1995 movie starring Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn that Gavin has invented to taunt me. It is, supposedly, the ur-movie of my cultural interests. Gavin never clarifies what, exactly, The Coat is about, instead breaking it out whenever I talk about films to annoy me.

Example 1: We are walking home from watching Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

Me: “And do you know what ELSE sucked about that movie?”

He: “That it wasn’t The Coat, starring Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon?”

Example 2: I have just walked in the door from seeing a movie with friends.

He: “How was the film?”

Me: “It was good, it was–”

He: “As good as The Coat, starring Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon?”

My assumption is that Gavin invented The Coat (1995) after five years of walking into a room where I am watching either Practical Magic, Postcards from the Edge, Steel Magnolias, Working Girl, or The First Wives Club. Usually I am with another woman or a gay man, usually we are holding one another.

Over the last few weeks, I have started asking Gavin to clarify on what, exactly, he imagines The Coat to be. His answer is that it is a post-Thelma and Louise box-office disappointment that has developed a cult fandom since everyone started realising that the nineties were both a) stylish and b) kind of a shitty time for women. It is strictly a two-star film, with, as he puts it: “two good restaurant scenes, some great-looking food, and John Candy has a really nice small role as a taxi driver.”

That’s all I can get out of him. And since the joke doesn’t seem to be dying, the only thing I can do is dream up plots for The Coat (1995) starring Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon.

THE (FUR?) COAT

When animal rights activist Susan Sarandon decides to break into ageing starlet Goldie Hawn’s wardrobe to destroy her fur coats, she accidentally kills Goldie’s philandering mobster husband Marty. A convoluted plot twist involving John Candy and a case of mistaken identity means both women are now on the run!

The film flops, mostly because the plot twist makes no sense no matter what John Candy tries to do.

THE WINNING LOTTERY TICKET COAT

When pick-pocket and city slicker Goldie Hawn accidentally picks up a fancy Armani coat at the dry cleaners, she couldn’t be more thrilled. Until she finds out that her own beaten-up coat contains today’s winning lottery ticket! She only has 24 hours to track down businesswoman Susan Sarandon (with the help of John Candy!). Susan is in her own financial trouble – and has no idea the solution is in her very pocket.

Honestly I can’t see why this film would flop as I think it’s a genuinely solid concept, so I can only assume that the director absolutely sucked.

THE PRICELESS FRESCO COAT

When recently divorced Susan Sarandon buys a villa in Tuscany she’s ready to start over, but when she alienates her Italian neighbours on day one (no thanks to John Candy!) and she’s forced to hire the kooky Goldie Hawn to oversee renovations. Their budding chalk-and-cheese friendship grinds to a halt when they discover a priceless fresco in the old farmhouse, and Goldie wants to make Susan’s house into a museum for the people! What is this crazy old fruit thinking?!

The cinematography in this movie is genuinely excellent, and you really get a good sense of Tuscany, but the writing is poor and its portrayals of Italians extremely offensive.

THE OSCAR BAIT COAT THAT WENT PROFOUNDLY IN THE WRONG DIRECTION

This moody, atmospheric film set in Mongolia follows Susan Sarandon as a jaded journalist who wakes up after a snow storm covered in a stranger’s coat. It is thick, heavy, and she has no idea why someone would give it to her. The act of kindness restores her faith in humanity and The New York Times commissions her to track down the coat’s owner. When she eventually does, it belongs to a nomadic Mongolian woman played byyyyyyy… Goldie Hawn.

Goldie Hawn’s people market this as a bold move and everyone else in 1995 is a mixture of perplexed and outrightly horrified that a blonde white woman is playing an Asian woman in an Oscar bait movie that otherwise has no memorable scenes apart from one where John Candy is a taxi driver.

THE COAT: TWO TIME TRAVELLERS TRY TO FUCK THEIR OWN DADS

Goldie Hawn is a kooky thrift shop owner who wears a see-through purple visor and has exactly one friend, the uptight lawyer Susan Sarandon. When she calls Susan away from a merger to bail her out of jail, the two end up getting drunk like old times in the shop.

(Note: at this point in proceedings, this all started sounding a little familiar, and then – only then! two months into this bit! – Did I realise that The Banger Sisters is already a 2-star rated movie starring – yes!!!!! – Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn. Gavin’s face! You should have seen it! We were screaming!)

Anyway the gals end up getting into the same gross coat and go back in time to the 1960s, where Goldie Hawn wants to stay so she can harvest some BIBA and Mary Quant that she can sell for five times the price in the present. This is when Susan Sarandon goes off on her own and finally meets the love of her life, taxi driver John Candy. She decides to stay in the past until she realises she is fucking her own best friend’s father and may in fact be pregnant with her own best friend.

The movie is badly received, mostly because people are more than happy for time travelling boys to almost fuck their own moms, but no one wants to see a time-travelling woman falling pregnant with her own friend.

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